Dirty Pick Up Lines
Yo Mama Jokes
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to have a talk with the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
Note From Teacher
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door.
She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.
She continued, "Now take off my skirt." He removed her skirt.
"Take off my bra..." which he did.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."
When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good. He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them.
As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, Little Johnny, who was standing there said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them."
The lineman tried to ignore Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it.
So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough Little Johnny was still standing there. He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down."
This irritated the lineman, but he ignored Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole than he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbed from the pole and went over to the bushes to take a leak.
As he was relieving himself he saw Little Johnny watching him through the bushes. He'd had it with this kid so he said to him, "I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"
Little Johnny replied, "No, but his would make two of yours."
Little Veronica got her first period.
Confused and frightened, she decided to ask her pal, Little Johnny, if he could figure out what was going on down there.
So she pulled down her pants and pointed to her crotch.
Johnny became serious and said: "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks to me like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
Little Johnny replies "That's exactly what I said!
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to
occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the
game and all go home.
At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon
returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied.
"I just showed him how to masturbate."
Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave. While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said.
"Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "Fuck!" she yells.
"Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the turkey."
The teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!"
"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound does sheep make?"
"Baaaa" answered Jimmy.
She continued this for a while.
Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She
chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed,
"UP AGAINST THE WALL MUTHA_FUCKA"
Americas Most Wanted
Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked,
"Why the fuck didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father sees
it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the
"But Dad," said Johnny, "It wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our
prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the
crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny", the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women! Just
leave it alone!"
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and
blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk about this!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying
our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in
the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he
reached over and pulled it out. But now I know she doesn't like that, so I
pushed it back in!"
Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie were walking home from school one day.
As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny?" Suzie asked.
Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her."
Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh."
They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny."
Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.
After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.
"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?" she asked.
"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny."
So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.
After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.
"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?" she asked again. "Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.
After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny."
Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out,
"BOO, damn it, BOO!"
Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while
holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny.
"I had to force him, but he ate it!"
Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone....
And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........
Johnny walks into a whorehouse. He's holding a shoebox under his arm. He reaches up to the counter and rings the bell. Out comes the madame.
She looks down at Johnny and says to him, "Well, well, what can we do for you little boy?"
"Yeah, I wanna fuck a bitch with aids."
The madame is a little shocked. "Excuse me?"
"Open yer fuckin' ears, bitch! I wanna girl with aids!"
She laughs at Johnny mockingly and says to him, "You do realize
that this kind of thing costs money, you know."
She stops laughing when Johnny slams down three hundred dollars on the counter. "Money's not a problem, lady."
"What do you want a girl with aids for?" the madame asks.
"That ain't none of yer business. You gonna give me the bitch with aids or what?"
"Okay, little boy, you do seem quite serious. I'll go and get her. By the way, what's in the shoebox?"
Johnny snaps back "That ain't none of yer business either."
The madame stares Johnny down and says, "Yes it is my business,
because I have to look out for my girls. What's in that box?"
Johnny opens it and there's a dead frog inside.
The madame looks puzzled.
Johnny explains it to her. "Okay, I fuck the bitch with aids, then I get aids. I fuck my babysitter and she gets aids. She fucks my dad and he gets aids. My dad fucks my mom and she gets aids. My mom fucks the mailman and he gets aids and that's the motherfucker who stepped on my pet frog!"
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Little Johnny went up to his teacher and says: "Miss can I go to the toilet?"
The Teacher then said: "Only if you say the alphabet, then you can go."
Little Johnny: Ok! ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ
Teacher: Well done but wheres the P?
Little Johnny: Half way down my legs
First Letters of Alphabet
A teacher said to Little Johnny: "When you get home tonight I want you to find out the first three letters of the alphabet by TOMORROW!!"
So, the boy went home and said: "Mummy, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"
Mum: NO!!! (She shouted "NO" because her nail polish spilt)
The boy goes to his father and said: "Daddy, whats the second letter of the alphabet?"
Television: "ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTYYYY (He wasnt listening because he was watching Darts on TV)
Finally he goes to his younger sister and says: "Sissy, whats the third letter of the alphabet?"
Sissy: Drivin' in my brum brum car (She was to busy playing in a little toy car)
Now, the boy returns to school the next day and the teacher asks him: "Do you know what the first three letters of the alphabet are?"
Teacher: How many detentions do you want?
Boy: "ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTYYYY"
Teacher: "How do you think you're going to get away with this?"
Boy: "Drivin' in my brum brum car!"
One day mom was cleaning Little Johnny's room.
In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
Little Johnny got an assignment from his teacher miss Allen.
He was supposed to get three phrases from home and read them to the class the next day.
So when johnny got home he told his mother and his mother said "I don't have any time for that"
So a frustrated little johnny went to his little brother who was watching Super man and told him his homework his brother only said "I'm superman"
So johnny went to seek help from his friends so on his way he saw a man holding on to a woman's ass and said "Come on baby lets go".
The next day at school johnnys teacher said johnny where is the homework johnny got up and said I don't have any time for that.
Astonished, his teacher said who do you think you are johnny said I'm superman johnnys teacher said come we're going to the principals office johnny said "Come on baby lets go."
Dad comes home from work one day. Son Johnny asks, "Dad, what"s a penis?"
Dad says, "Well son it"s a...here let me show ya!
Dad lays it in the palm of his hand and says, "Son, this is a penis and it is a perfect one!"
Next day at school recess Johnny calls all his buddies over and asks them, "You guys know what a penis is?"
"No they raplied, what is it?"
"Let me show ya, replied" replied Johnny.
Johnny unzips his trousers, lays his penis in the palm of his hand and says, "Boys, this is a penis, and if it were 2 inches shorter, it would be perfect!"
One day little Johnny was walking home and saw a girl walking on the street! He said," Hello!" She said, hi..
What is that ?" As he pointed at her breast. "Those are my balloons.."
He went home and told his mom that he knows what those are.
(She was getting in the shower) "Does Uncle Jack like balloons?" Well, yes why do you ask?"
Because I always see him blowing up your balloons!"
A salesman goes up to little Johnny's house and knocks on the door.
When the salesman says "May I speak to your dad?"
Little Johnny says "He's in the shower."
The salesman replies with "Well then can I speak to your mom?"
And Little Johnny answered "She's in the shower with him."
The salesman said "Well are they gonna be out any time soon?"
And Little Johnny says "Probably not, when dad asked for the lube I handed him the super glue."
Little madison was a very sleepy child and at Sunday school she'd always fall asleep.
The Sunday school teacher asked madison," who is our Lord and Savior?"
And little johnny couldn't let Madison look stupid so he poked her in the but with a stick and she cried "JESUS CHRIST!!!!"
The teacher said " correct" and little madison drifted back to sleep.
The teacher again asked madison a question "who is our Creator" and little jimmy did the same thing and little Madison yelled" GOD ALMIGHTY "
And the teacher said "right madison."
Then the teacher asked "What did eve say after the 25th child"
And little jimmy did the same and little madison said "If you put that up my butt one more time i'm going to brake it."
And the teacher said "Correct!"
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