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  • Lawyer Jokes

    Lawyer's creed:
    A man is innocent until proven broke.

    What do lawyers use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
    Professional courtesy.

    How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    How many can you afford?

    Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.

    Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
    A: Take your foot off his head.

    Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
    A: No? Good!

    Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
    A: The bucket.

    Q. Where can you find a lawyer that won't screw you over?
    A. In the cemetary.

    What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in cement?
    Not enough cement.

    What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
    You can negotiate with terrorists.

    What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

    Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
    They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

    What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

    Q: What clothing do you wear to court?
    A: A lawsuit

    What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

    It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
    I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

    Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
    A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
    A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
    A: The lawyer charges more.

    Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
    A: Senator.

    Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
    A: Sue

    An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
    The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is 2+2?"
    The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

    The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
    Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

    The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.
    At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

    The lawyer was hired on the spot.

    Most Intelligent Dog
    A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
    A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

    The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
    The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

    The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
    The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

    The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!"
    Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

    30 Grand
    This man had 30,000 and was about to die, so he hired a doctor, preacher, and lawyer.
    The man told the three when I die each of you throw $10,000 of my money in my grave with me.
    So the man died and they did.

    Months later the doctor confessed, I only threw $7,000. I used $3,000 for medical research.
    Then the preacher confessed I only threw in $8,000. I used $2,000 for church repairs.
    Then the lawyer said I''m ashamed of you two. I wrote a check for the full $10,000 and threw it in.

    Deal with the Devil
    An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him.
    The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
    The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

    Anal Sex
    A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

    The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

    She said that she did.

    He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

    She said no.

    The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

    The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

    The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

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