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  • Redneck Jokes

    Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style?
    That way they can both watch wrestling.

    Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
    A: A Fire Cracker!

    What do rednecks call ductape?

    Q: What's a rednecks last words?
    A: Hold my beer and watch this boys!!

    How do you end a party in a trailer park?
    Flush the punchbowl.

    What do two rednecks say after breaking up?
    Lets just be cousins.

    What do you call a goat on a mountain?

    Why did O.J. Simpson want to move the Tennessee?  
    Everyone there has the same DNA.

    Why do ducks fly over trailer parks upside down?
    There's nothing worth craping on!

    Q: What does a redneck do when his dishwasher stops working?
    A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

    What do you call a redneck on a trampoline?
    A hick-up.

    Where does a redneck live?

    How can you tell if a redneck is married?
    There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

    Q: What are the only two seasons a Redneck can name?
    A: Football and Construction.

    Q: What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
    A: Documentaries.

    What can a pizza do that a redneck can't do?
    Feed a family of 4

    Q: Why didn't the possum cross the road?
    A: Because in the trailer park he's the other white meat!

    Q: How does an redneck get a girlfriend?
    A: By responding to a message on the wall of a mens room at a truck stop!

    Q: How do you casterate a Redneck?
    A: Kick his sister in the mouth

    Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
    A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

    Q: What do rednecks and a bottle of beer have in common?
    A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

    Q: Why do rednecks drive old pick up trucks?
    A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

    Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
    A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

    Q: How do rednecks spend the first week of the school year?
    A: Studying the Miranda Rights

    What do you call a redneck swimming in the ocean?
    A saltine cracker?

    Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
    A: A virgin.

    Q: What's the difference between a redneck and poor white trash?
    A: a redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her.

    Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    A: Ask a redneck!

    What's the difference between Helen Keller and a redneck?
    She got famous for not being able to read.

    Have you seen the film about the tractor?
    Its really good. I have seen the trailor!

    Rednecks don't need pickup lines cause they got pick up trucks.

    If someone mentions the Duke of Cambridge and you ask if he's related to Daisy Duke, you might be a redneck.

    Redneck sext message: you can't handle the tooth!

    Billy Bob and Dale were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Dale, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

    Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

    Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again.

    Last year you suggested Bahamas and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

    Dale asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

    "I'm taking Earlene with me."

    Redneck with Obamacare
    The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's.
    Directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
    Thetongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
    The only proctologist lists his address as Roto-rooter.
    The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
    Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill.
    Preventive Care Coverage includes 'an apple a day.'
    Your Prozac comes in colors and has little M's on each pill.
    The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
    Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some duct tape.

    Going on A Bear Hunt
    Well, once upon a time, there was this redneck who decided to go hunting. After a full day of hunting, he didn't kill anything to he decided to pack up and go home when all of a sudden, he sees a bear and decides to shoot it. He fires one shot, but misses. The bear comes up to him and says, "You just tried to kill me!" But the redneck says no my gun went off by itself, but the bear does not believe him and says, "Now I'm gonna fuck you in the ass." So after the bear is done with the redneck, the redneck says, " fuckin bear, I'm gonna kill you." and fires again..But he misses for a second time. The bear comes up to him and says, " You just tried to kill me again!"
    And the redneck says "no, I dropped my gun and it went off again". The bear doesn't believe him and says, " I'm gonna make you suck my dick." So after the bear is done with him he leaves, and the redneck is real mad and fires a third time. But again he misses. So the bear comes up to him and says, " You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"

    You Might Be A Redneck
    You might be a redneck if you've been married 3 times and you still have the same in laws

    You know you are a redneck if your address and your license plate number are the same

    You might be a redneck if...Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

    you might be a redneck, if you think lol means "low on liquor."

    You might be a redneck if you have a home that's mobile and three cars that aren't!

    You might be a redneck if Thanksgiving was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

    You might be a redneck if you have more guns than teeth.

    You might be a redneck if your daughter's Sweet 16 is sponsered by Budweiser.

    You might be a redneck if burning lighter fluid is your favorite smell in the world!

    You Might Be A Redneck If Your Baby's First Words Are "Attention kmart Shoppers"

    You might be a redneck if you ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame

    You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a wife.

    You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are: "Play Ball"

    You might be a redneck if your school hands out race tickets for perfect attendance.

    You might be a redneck if its ok to date your first cousin because your second cousin is too young.

    You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Confederate Civil War general.

    You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

    You might be a redneck if you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

    You might be a redneck if your ma took the tractor to town to go shopping.

    You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

    If you have to take your seats out of you soccer van to have furniture. You might be a redneck.

    If you have to use a tote as a coffee table, you might be a redneck.

    If your girlfriend uses a sharpie to put her name on her beer. You might be a redneck.

    Redneck Pickup Lines
    "I might be missing teeth, but that just leaves more room for your tongue."

    Roses are red. Spend the night with me and I’ll teach you all kinds of cool scientific stuff like that!

    I bet your father was a good farmer, cause you're one fine hoe

    "Like my belt buckle?" (Why?) "It would look better on your forehead!"

    Girl you must be my cousin cause I wanna do you.

    Country boys don't need pick-up lines, cause they've got pick-up trucks.

    God wants us to be together. That's why he gave us the same parents!

    If I were a tractor and you were a plow, I would definitely hook up with you.

    "Let's go fishing, I'll be the rod, you be the fish and later on we'll hook up!".

    If you think this buckle is big wait till you see what's behind it.

    My Love fer you is like diarrhea - I kin't hold it in.

    Are yer parents retarded? 'cuz ya sure are special.

    Did you fart? 'cuz you just blew me away!

    Can I borrow your t-shirt? I gotta go wipe the oil off my dip stick.

    Well, aren’t you hotter than a mama cougar in heat running from my hunting dogs in August?

    Hey Baby. Wanna go back to my place? Mamma said you had to be home by 10 anyway.

    Hey you looking for a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD all I need is U

    Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

    Hey you realise that my mouth can generate over 3000 rpm?

    Can I make you a drink? My still is in the back of my camper- Or as I call it- my sheep shack.

    Well, tie me to a pig and roll me in the mud! You are mighty purdy for a heavy girl.

    Baby, you are prettier than a beer truck pulling into my driveway.

    Tell me honey ham, did it hurt when the devil spit you up and you landed here?

    If you were a tree and I was a squirrel, i'd store my nuts in you.

    Girl, if you were a chicken you'd be impeccable.

    Hey you remember that BBQ, when I slapped my meat on you grill.

    If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

    Bite To Eat
    Two rednecks stop in for a bite to eat, while discussing thier moonshine operation.
    A woman at another table begins to cough.
    Pretty soon she is choking.
    One redneck says to her "Can yer breathe?"
    She shakes her
    He asks: "Can yer talk?"
    She shakes her head..No.
    He gets up,walks over to her,lifts up her dress,pulls down her panties and licks her on one butt cheek.
    The woman is so shocked by this, she coughs up the food she had been chocking on.
    The redneck slowly walks back to the table to join his partner.
    The other redneck says "I done heard about that there HIND LICK manuver,but I've never seen it done."

    Redneck Logic
    Two Texas Farmers, Jim and Bob were sitting at a bar. Jim says to Bob,"You know what? I think I'm going to go to college". When he is talking to the Dean at the college, the Dean says to Jim,"You will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic".
    "Logic? What the heck is that?" Jim said.
    "Here," the Dean said, " I will give you an example, do you own a weed Wacker?"
    "Then logically speaking you have a house".
    " I do have a house".
    "And if you have a house, you probably have a wife, and if you have a wife you must be a heterosexual!"
    "Wow!" Jim said, "You found all that out just because I have a weed Wacker!"
    The Dean nodded. Excited, Jim goes back to Bob and says,"I will be taking 4 classes, English, Math, Science, and Logic."
    "Logic?" Bob said," What the heck is that?"
    "Here, I will give you an example, do you own a weed Wacker?" Jim said.
    "No," Bob replies.
    "Then your gay."

    Two Farmers
    Two farmers are leaning over a farm gate when gorgeous girl pulls up in her Mercedes.
    She gets out and says "I want you two to make mad passionate love to me in the barn. But youse need to wear these condoms to stop me getting pregnant."
    So they have a Ball And a WEEK later, one of the farmers says to his mate "Are you still worried she got pregnant?"
    His mate says "NAW not really."
    The he replies "LETS TAKE THESE CONDOMS OFF THEN....."

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