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    What did one piece of wood say to another?
    I'm bored (board).

    What is a chalkboard's favorite drink?
    hot chalk-olate!

    what do you say when you lose a wii game?
    I want a wii-match!

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To get to the other side

    What is the best day to go to the beach?
    a Sunday!

    Why did the cow cross the road?
    Because it wanted to go to the Mooovies!

    Why didn't the Skeleton go to the party?
    He didn't have the guts.

    Did you hear about the angry pancake?
    He just flipped.

    Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
    Well, you got to hand it to her.

    What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
    Carlos.

    Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
    They already 8 (ate).

    What do you call an underwater bank?
    The River Bank!

    What kind of coat is best put on wet?
    Paint.

    What is an Austrailan kiss?
    The same as a French kiss except down under.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No eye deer

    What did the witch eat on the beach?
    A sand witch

    Why does a bike have a jack stand?
    Because it's two tired.

    Q: Whats the last thing you take off before you go to bed?
    A: Your feet.

    What do you call a masturbating cow?
    Beef-strokin-off.

    Why did the fish swim round and round in his bowl?
    Because it had no corners.

    What do you call a happy penguin?
    a Pen-Grin!

    What did the hotdog say after the race?
    I'm the wiener!

    What do you call an elf who sings?
    A wrapper.

    Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
    Ask your mother.

    You know what really hurts my feelings?
    Nerve damage.

    When is water not water?
    When it is dripping.

    What do you call "country rap"?
    "Hick-Hop".

    Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
    They couldn't close his casket.

    What do you call lesbian twins?
    Lick-a-likes.

    What do you get when you cross a stereo and a refrigerator?
    Cool Music.

    Did you hear about the hungry clock?
    It went back four seconds.

    What do you get when you cross a cat with a lawnmower?
    Arrested for animal cruelty!

    Did you hear the one about the geologist?
    He took his wife for granite so she left him.

    What do you call money that grows on trees?
    Marijuana

    What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
    A turkey that can pluck itself!

    Did you hear about the guy with five legs?
    His pants fit him like a glove.

    What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
    Seizure salad

    What do you get when you cross the atlantic with the titanic?
    halfway!

    Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
    She had a litter of mittens.

    What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
    Single!

    Why are leopards bad at playing hide and seek?
    They're always spotted!

    What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?
    I don't know, but when it talks you'd better listen.

    Did you hear about that new broom?
    It's sweeping the nation!

    What charity do most people forget to donate to?
    The Alzheimer's Foundation

    What do you call a giant ball coming tord you?
    A wrecking ball.

    Why was the broom late?
    Because he was sweeping.

    What do you get if you cross a duck with fireworks?
    A firequacker!

    What do you call an guitar player without a girlfriend?
    Homeless

    What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
    A collie-flower!

    Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
    The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

    What do you call someone who is scared of Santa?
    Claustrophobic

    Why was the book sad when he went to the restaurant?
    Because He didn't have a booking!

    What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
    A dilldoe

    Did you hear about the gay truckers?
    They exchanged loads.

    What do you call it when you use Lindsay Lohan as a weapon in prison?
    a skank shank

    What kind of cheese is sad?
    Blue cheese!

    What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
    An offer you can't understand.

    Did you hear the news about the corduroy pillows?
    They made headlines.

    Q: why don't boy scouts eat popcorn and tell jokes?
    A: Because its too corny

    What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
    Bugs Bunny!

    Why did thd toliet roll roll down the hill?
    To get to the bottom

    What do you get if you cross a Lannister with a Lannister?
    King Joffrey

    I was going to tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

    I got 99 problems and I'm seeing a therapist about them.

    Do you have a pet?
    Well I do, I have millions, they are called germs.

    Knock knock
    Who's there
    Orange
    Orange who

    Knock knock
    Who's there
    Orange
    Orange who

    Knock knock
    Who's there
    Orange
    Orange who

    Knock knock
    Who's there
    Bannna
    Bannna who
    Orange you glad I didn't say bannna

    Q: Peat and repeat sit on a fence peat falls down who is left?
    A:repeat
    Q:Peat and repeat sit on a fence peat falls off who is left
    A:repeat

    I never wanted to be a comedian cause I thought people would laugh at me.

    Velcro, what a rip-off!

    I'm on a vegan diet; they taste great!

    Dont you just hate it when people answer the phone like yello (yellow) do you see me answering the phone like blue or red

    If you went to a nose shop which one would you PICK

    I used to get really annoyed when the clothes in my wardrobe got mixed up. I'm ok now though, I did a hanger management course.






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